Ghosts of Vermont September's Past (A precautionary tale)
I don’t ever remember it being this humid, hot and tornado-y before in Florida. I recall thinking to myself at least a dozen times this past summer. As I write this in early September of 2024. I reflect on how next month will mark 3 years ago that I moved from Vermont to Florida. I suspect everyone has felt this in the same way shape or form in their life before but when I say I have experienced what feels like 30 years of exponential growth in just 3 years would be the biggest understatement of the year. I think I might be one of those people who live their lives in cliches. Some that come to mind, “The grass is greener on the other side” “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man” (or in my case woman) ,”wherever you go there you are” Oh ah yes and my most favorite. “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone” I will thank the great Joni Mitchell for this one. Even though she wasn’t the first one to probably utter those words. But wrote a song about it. Yes, all these clichés in my 40 plus years in my life, I have obviously understood and experienced to some degree in my life. My nothing as intensely as the past 3 years.
Before my move to Vermont my life in Florida was unraveling all around me. I'm trying to not sound so melodramatic but it truly was. I hid it from friends how bad it was. I was living with family members at the time, who were the definition of a toxic people and a toxic environment. I was being severly bullied and felt unsafe with "family". I tried to make the best of my situation but towards the end I was hitting a lot of walls as well and was greeted less opportunities and more closed doors. I was living in survival mode and my surroundings did not assist in me thinking clearly. I did not have my priorities in order for many reasons. Not just because of unaware self-sabatoging. I also didn’t have much opportunity to plan my life for the future because I never knew what toxic opportunities would greet me at home, work or in my life day to day, However, I did the best I could with what I had but my options were getting smaller and smaller. Looking back now it's almost as if The Universe was trying to push me out of my hometown in Florida. To show me better things were coming in my furture. Around that time, I met a guy. He was from Vermont. I truly believe the Universe or God (choose your own adventure) had us meet. He was truly what I needed at that time, and I will always be incredibly grateful for him in that way.
After a two year long distance, travel back and forth relationship. We made a decision as a couple and I found myself making the road trip to Vermont, to start a new life with him. It didn't take much to convice me. I was definently in the mindset of "anywhere but here". Also, I had dreams of becoming a mother soon, getting married and living happily ever after in Vermont! Have I mentioned I have always been naive for whatever level of age I was and always saw the good people? I was barely in my 30’s then and even though my life had more than it's fair share cruelness and grufness. I still had so much optimism, hope, imagination, creativity, dreams and motivation back then.More so now looking back, I think I just followed what felt right, followed my instict and gut. I remember finding an old email I sent to a friend 2 years ago that confirmed this; Writing to her on how I planned on finishing hair school then moving to Boston or the New England area. I always felt a calling to the area perhaps because of many influences I saw on TV, magazines and books. But more so it just called to me. However, I did not finish hair school, nor did I move to Boston. But! I moved to Vermont! Close enough for me.
Living in Vermont the first 3 years were the hardest to navigate and most isolating and loneliness period of my life, ever. It was intensely jarring for a woman in her 30’s that only ever lived in Florida and never experienced a four season climate ever. It wasn’t just the empty feeling that the barren brutal winters became but I had to find my footing in this new place not knowing anyone in a new state, in a very very very small and rural area. We’re talking no Starbucks, Walmart was the size of a pharmacy store back then and the nearest Target was an hour drive one way. These reasons all seem so trivial now. But, also, my social life had gone to a screeching halt. I'm very much a lone wolf I have learned over the years. I would have moments that my introversion would take over and I would alienate from my friends. But, they helped me more than I knew back then to pull me out of from this. But with not knowing anyone other than my boyfriend, his family and coworkers. I didn't socialize at all or made new friends the whole 9 years I was there. I enjoy my own company but still socializing is important even if you are not a big fan of people. The silver lining to it all this was, I finally found a peaceful life and got to learn who I really was. I was able to learn more about spirtuality and mental health. I was able to actually think more clearly, begin healing wounds that started early in childhood. I pushed these wounds so deep down that I didn’t know how much trauma I was actually holding and how it affected my poor decision making in life for the past 30ish years.The other silver lining and more fun one at that was; After the first twoish years in Vermont is when I really started finding my footing and exploring.
So much of New England I fell in love with. Or I should say exclusively the Summer and Fall I fell in love with hehe. I still find myself still actually dreaming of certain places when I sleep because they were so magical. Truly and honestly. Looking back, it seems like a dream I actually ever lived there. So, you are probably wondering, then why did you leave???!
I was trying to navigate the difficulties that started boiling at the surface with my relationship. I won’t go into the soap opera details of it all. He was and still is a great guy, but we all have flaws. He was great in that ways he was a good provider, offered the stability and structure I needed in my life and partner. However, it soon became very controlling, patriarchial, unsupportive and combative to name just a few. We were and probably are two very different people in how we view the world and life works. A Realist and an Idealist always at odds. It’s easy to look back now and tell myself I could have just done this and that different. But once you’re out of a situation, especially a not so great one, I think we then look at our own situations from an outsider’s perspective. A more bias view. A rose tinted glasses view. It’s easier to see what you could of, should of, and would have done now wiser. Sometimes when we are in a situation that we are unhappy with, it’s easy for us to also blame the environment we are in as well. Or I just have a nomadic spirit. I hate to say it, but Vermont ended up bearing the grunt in the disdain of my life back then. Towards the final years of living in Vermont even the Summer and Fall which is what kept me going wasn’t enough. I watched and read self help books from well known spiritualist and psycologiest on ways to be more happy. Such as being in the moment, etc. we all know what they are at this point. I tried so hard to force being grateful and still I became ungrateful in the area which I was in and my life. I just couldn't shake how I felt. I fixated on the idea that moving back to Florida would make everything better. I would be less lonely; I would be closer to family and friends. These were all deep seeded lies I brain washed my own self into believing. I discovered later after I moved. A place is never the answer to everything because "wherever you go, there you are"
I thought once I moved back to Florida, I would have my 'Under the Tuscan Sun' or 'Eat,Pray,Love' moment in life. That wasn't the reality. Within a few short months of moving back to Florida I knew it was a mistake. So personally devastating surprises surfaced that I was not prepared for. Even before that devastating surprise. I would cry in my new office at my new job almost every day.
Going back to my final year in Vermont. It also didn’t help my situation or my emotional or mental state that we were also going through a Pandemic in my final year in Vermont. I would like to tell myself now looking back ,that the Pandemic and the state of the world made me go temporarily insane. It's a good possibility. I think we all did a little. Although, many of us thrived and did have our said movie moments. My mother also fell ill in 2020, whom I was never close with, but still I weirdly used it as an excuse or sign for me to move back. I think I still felt guilty that I wasn’t there back then. I have since learned the reasons why since moving back and going to therapy. But, how does this all tie into what the title of this blog is. Well, since I moved back to Florida. Every September for the past 3 years are when I missed Vermont the most. May-July, hit a hard trigger for me also.
Part of me longs and hears a calling to move back to New England. Vermont whispers to me, visits me in my dreams as mentioned before. But another more logical, more realistic part of me knows that was just a moment of time in my life and I can’t go back? Just like how I thought going back to Florida would fix something. Going back to something never turns out well, in my personal experiences because "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man” Also, to be honest, one of the reasons I don’t see myself moving back is because the amazing supportive partner I am with now, I’m not quite sure if he could handle the extreme brutal winters Vermont generously hands out lol. His words, not mine. I think the happy medium would be to take a trip back in Summer or Fall and see how I feel. Also, it would be weird to move back to a place you made so many memories with a different person. Going back might be triggering in other ways.
I would like to take a moment to mention something very important to you all as well. All the amazingly cozy, aesthetically seductive photos and videos you see on social media of Vermont and New England is not, I repeat is not all what Vermont and New England is. A lot of the area is extremely run down, with poorly maintained roads and structures, very rural, limited resources and small career opportunities. It becomes very isolating very quickly. Especially if you don’t know anyone. The options for careers and jobs are far and few between. For some of you this might be exactly what you are looking for and that is wonderful! For me personally, it became a strain on my mental health. Also, photos and videos use photoshop and filters to make the foliage look brighter and more vibrant than it really is MOST fall seasons. Foliage is very tempermental every year. It can be either hit or miss. The photos you see here was a big time hit season. That is the great thing about living there. You can wake up one day, look out your window and say to yourself "The trees have peaked color and the weather is sunny so time to grab my camera and go for a leaf peeping drive" Even though I write this and know this, I still get hypnotized and seduced by what I see on social media and end up kicking myself mentally and cursing myself out loud that I moved out of such a wonderful state.
I also miss New England as a whole. There are so many areas and places to explore. I lived there for a few months shy of 10 years and still hadn’t explored all the places I wanted too. If you are not a beachy person, Florida can feel very limiting in exploration. I remind myself of the brutal winters to help myself not be so angry about it all. Angry at myself really.
If you made it this far in
my post. Now I will tell you about the pictures you see accompanying this blog
post. The pictures you see here are of the last Fall -in my heart- in Vermont. It is in one of my favorite small towns. And no, it’s not Woodstock haha.
It’s Chester, Vermont. It’s like Woodstock, VT but less crowded. Less touristy. I say “the last Fall in my heart” because my
last real Fall I was in the process of packing my house and figuring out major moving
logistics. I didn’t get to really experience my last Fall there because of all
that but I did manage to take a day trip here and there down my favorite
country roads and do some thinking and say goodbyes to my favorite cow farms. Which
I cherish as well. But back to these photos. It was such a wonderful time. I didn’t
think or plan that I was moving yet. I figured it might happen in another 2-5
years. That day was the day I told myself that in the meantime I would make the
most of my time here even more than ever before. I would start doing more of my passion of
taking more photos and videos of Vermont even to the disdain of others aka my
boyfriend/partner. You see, I had always done it, the taking photos and videos
thing. As you can see in other posts. But, I was timid, shy, reserved and
censored myself from doing it more because that was one of the things my
boyfriend and I severely bumped heads with all the time. He always acted so f*cking
weird about it and was difficult whenever I wanted to take pictures of places
we went to in Vermont or when we vacationed in New England. I can’t begin to
tell you how weird and unsupportive he was about it. I kick myself more about
that than anything else. Even moving because what I was doing back in 2015 for
fun and a way to cope is what people are making money being influencers on now.
This is one of the saddest lessons I had to learn. Never dim your light or your
passions to make other people more content with you. Because they never will be
no matter what you do.
I kept these pictures
stored away all these (4ish) years. I knew they didn’t deserve it. They
deserved to be shared. I wanted to at least share them in some way to document in
some way my life there, the things that made me happy for 10 years out of my
life. That it wasn’t a dream. That I did once upon a time live in a, although
not perfect, magical place and I did have creative projects that I didn’t allow
to grow and blossom because of other people. Because of the wounds I also had
in myself (I don’t want to just blame others; I am to blame as well) It is a
lesson and reminder and precautionary tale to do what makes you light up. Don’t
dim what you find happiness in, even if it’s just a little happiness, to try
and make others happier. It will never ever work in your favor. It will cause
more damage to yourself than you can ever imagine. Somehow, I had lost my way. These
are the ghosts that haunt me now.
With all of what I have written. You might be wondering do I see myself ever moving back to
Vermont or New England. In some ways yes, in more ways no. Because of all the things I mentioned before. I DO hope to make a visit in 2025,
maybe that will help me gain insight and lean more one way than the other. But we’ll see how
destiny comes into play. Also, ask me again after I’ve seen a few photo
reminders of Vermont and New England in the wintertime.
You also might be wondering will I stay in Florida. That's tricky. Florida I will always feel a sense of comfort and safety in because it's my home state. But now it's become more of a false one. Sometimes, I think I had to move back to Florida to learn the lesson of what it means to
truly be grateful and truly to be humbled in your life circumstance to feel it. To be in almost dire straits. I think I had to move back
to Florida to learn some tough lessons and finally have closure about some
things in my past growing up here and living here those 30 years to fully move
on. I don’t fully feel this is where I belong anymore. And
that is scary and haunting in it self as well. Because if I don’t belong here and maybe
not moving back to Vermont then where do I belong? It's a very scary feeling. Honestly, I now have a hard time envisioning living
anywhere at the moment. Over the years I have lost my trust in listening to my instinct and gut and that calling like I had in the story I shared in the beginning. I'm working on mending it all though. I know it leaves this post very open ended but that is honestly
where I am at about it all right now. No place feels or sounds right. I didn’t quite feel settled in Vermont; I
didn’t quite feel settled moving back to Florida. I learned that I have to be settled
in myself, feel at home with myself and not search for it in an external location and I know I am getting closer because I feel more at
home in myself than ever before!
That's not to say that location and environment are not important to us and humans. I think the way the world is now, historically I guess it’s always been like this, we are all looking for that right environment in which we feel we flourish economically, mentally, emotionally and some of us spiritually. Where we truly feel free and belong. Some of us find it sooner than others. Some of us find it in more than one place. It's all a journey not the destination not just externally but in our spirit as well. If you haven’t found your place yet, I hope that you do, I know that you will if you trust the process and yourself more and more, just a little, everyday. The great news is once you do, you will know and all the ghosts will be gone.
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